I want to say this is just another post on another month of me saying, “OK, I am tired of not feeling great so here I am working out again.” I have done that a lot in my past. But after my holiday in Cuba this year, at my heaviest and feeling more exhausted externally and feeling unhealthy internally, I had to put a stop to it.

Until I had kids, I was super fit and always felt amazing inside and out. Aside from the smoking I did for those ten years, I had energy to move whereas these past 10 years, over time, the energy and the desire have gone downhill. As a single parent, who worked fulltime and then had to race home to do the mom thing, it was hard to think about myself. For a large part of those first 10 years, I went to the gym on my lunch hours and made sure fitness was somewhat of a priority, but then COVID hit and bye-bye gym. I’ve never been a workout from home girl…I like the gym, I like the equipment, I like the many ways to get my fitness in. At home I was bored, no matter what kind of workouts I tried to do.

So I started Keto. I just really wanted to feel good inside and out. I was hoping this would help get rid of the excess weight and feel good both inside and out again. Within less than 10 months, I lost 15 pounds, my clothes fit so much better and the bloating and pain I felt from the other food I was eating (especially the really carby foods) had went away. I was on a roll and nothing was throwing me off the train.

Long story short, I met a guy, I wanted to show him all the great stuff around Toronto, gained 20 pounds and two years later, I still have them. If anything, I’ve gained a bit more. It’s a non-stop battle with me, should I work out, should I do Keto, I don’t care, I do care, I feel like crap blah blah blah. But after this Cuba trip, it helped me realize that if I don’t get to where I want to be physically and internally, I will never change. I am usually the leader in most things and for years I have felt like I kind of just disappeared. I did what I could to lay down and hide all of the rolls and love handles that I could. I didn’t want to get into the pool of fear of having to get out of the pool and me seeing my fat. I didn’t care about what others thought or saw…it was me. It was a pool of very mixed feelings but one thing I knew was true; I did not want to see myself in a bikini because all I saw in that image, was failure.

I am not a failure. If anything, I have succeeded in so many ways I never imagined. I have an amazing job that pays well, I am a single parent successfully raising two young kids who are kind and smart and I am able to give my children anything (within reason) that they want. I am a good friend, I have a good head on my shoulders and more and more and more. Yet this whole fitness and feel good thing, makes me feel otherwise.

I know that I can get to where I want to be and feel as great as I want to. I just have to have faith in myself. I recently started to go for walks…even in minus degree weather. Usually I want to keep my butt inside, but I am starting to really love going for walks.

I keep going through my photos of just a few years back, seeing how I looked and remembering how I felt inside and even out. This along with what I realized in Cuba helped me realize that if I don’t do something now, I will forever go down this beaten path getting myself nowhere.

Today I finished a workout…at home. I am still contemplating if I should get a gym membership or just stick to the Keto and sweat inducing activities – that alone, on a consistent basis, will allow me to feel great in itself! But I really do miss my muscles. But I also now have two arms with tennis elbow. That shit hurts! Excuses, I know. I love how people think sweating is gross, but I love it…at least when it’s from fitness, not just sitting there sweating just because it’s 130 degrees out.

This year is my year of greatness – I expect good things so I am also going to expect that I get right back on track, however I end up doing it, and it’s going to be great! I expect my ass to keep on track and by the end of the year, or even summer of 2023, I’ll be able to post an update that I am back to feeling great again! This is my year to finally put myself first and get my ass in shape again – yay!

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