Working out has been a part of my life since I was 19 years old. Seeing as I had been skinny the entire 19 years of my life, when we noticed that we were gaining a bit of weight from all of the Burger King Chicken Sandwiches with a Poutine on the side, we decided to hit the gym. I did it simply to lose the weight but my boyfriend at the time did it to gain muscle. It didn’t take long before I started to see my body transform into a tiny muscular machine that would continue to grow over the years.
Let’s fast forward to when I had kids. A fear of mine was that I would get “fat” if I ever had kids but there was plenty of proof that pregnancy doesn’t make you fat, it’s all in how you control yourself around food, pregnant or not.
When I was pregnant with my first, I let myself go, big time. I used my pregnancy as an excuse to eat countless frozen O’Henry bars and poutines galore. I slacked off real bad when it came to my third trimester, just because I was lazy, not because I didn’t have the energy. Sure, I was tired but not too tired to get my butt to the gym seeing as it was literally just downstairs – no going outside in the snow was required.
Months after I had her (I’d say about 6- 8), I started to get back to the gym, eat better and really focus my efforts into getting fit again, aside from motherly and wifely responsibilities. People were noticing a difference and I was fitting into closes that I hadn’t fit into for a long time. I was excited and the motivation continued.
…until I got pregnant again.
This time I knew that if I went back to my ways of not eating properly, even if I wasn’t working out, I would gain 30 pounds like I did with my daughter. For the most part, I was careful and though I had some slip-ups, actually, many slip-ups, I was still able to maintain a healthy weight gain for a pregnancy with no real concerns that I was going to have trouble getting the weight off.
Months after I gave birth to him, I again started to work out but somehow lost my motivation. I split with my husband and that left me with a 6 month old and three year old to deal with on my own, plus I was working full time. Through the process of the split, my mind was elsewhere and no concerns about losing weight because I was just too busy and frankly, I didn’t care about what I looked like.
Let’s fast-forward to now. Over the past two and a half years of being a single mom, I had the mentality of I’m never going to be able to date because I never have the time, so what’s the point in trying to look great for anyone else. Being someone who has always been fit or slim, it has been very hard for me to be at this weight. I was able to maintain a 140 lb weight at my highest but that’s when I looked my best. And here I am now hovering between the 180 – 189 mark. I am 5.9″ so to people it doesn’t look or sound that bad but that’s not the point. For me, I don’t feel comfortable. I don’t like the back rolls, I don’t like the muffin top and I don’t like not fitting into my clothes that I was able to fit in fine, years ago. My weight gain is simply because lack of motivation – I don’t blame in on having kids; I blame it on me.
The weight gain has also deterred me from dating. Sure, I don’t really have the time but if I really wanted to use my free time to try and date, I could. But not feeling comfortable in my own body is a huge block that stops me from trying. “Who is going to want to be with someone that looks like me?” is the question that goes through my head all of the time yet when I see others who might have muffin tops, love handles or who are plus sized women, I have no negative thoughts to their size what-so-ever. It’s really odd.
So in January I started back up to the gym after cancelling my GoodLife membership for the 3rd time. I bought the entire year for $500.00 rather than paying monthly which would turn out to cost $960.00 a year! Though my eating habits weren’t great, they were (and still are) getting better. I go to the gym 5 days a week on my lunch hour and about 2 months into it, I finally started to notice a difference I lost some inches, felt not so restricted in my clothing, lost some weight and noticed the muscles came back pretty quick. I was so excited! Until my hip and back started to bother me again.
I have a small fracture in my hip and something has been going on with my back for years but we can’t seem to figure it out. For my hip, it requires surgery but that’s a whole other story. I’m hoping to get that done in a couple of years. These issues brought my to a roaring stop with working out about a week and a half ago and I was told to stop the working out for the week. I’m looking at another MRI to see what’s going on but it’s frustrating. When I don’t work out, my food consumption goes from healthy to I took 5 steps forward now I’m going 4 steps back so screw it, bring on the poutine. Horrible attitude to have because when that happens, of course I hate myself and once I see the weight gain, I just stop eating for the most part. I take in just enough to keep me from going insane.
I just got a notification on my phone while writing the above paragraph which showed me making progress this time last year when I was really trying to get back on the bandwagon. Maybe it’s a sign? Whatever it is, I need to push forward and not let myself get discouraged. I am hoping I can push through as I promised myself that I would take the kids to the beach and finally get myself in that bikini. Not sure that will happen but here’s to hoping!